Saving Halloween

Turning the holiday back over to its rightful celebrants — the kids

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Once upon a time, Halloween meant two things: Candy and costumes. Oh, and also: It was for kids.

But as America has become increasingly immaturized — where movies based on toys from the ‘80s rule the box office and video game systems have become basics of home entertainment — so too has the ultimate children’s holiday been usurped by grownups.

Of course, the adults don’t go trick-ortreating — heck, the kids barely go out anymore. When I was a kid, we never even thought about going out before dark; nowadays, strict candy-begging hours are enforced in many municipalities to keep kids off the street after sunset. And why do the kids need to beware?

Because grownups are speeding off to costume contests at the bar.

And come on, your kid doesn’t need to see Sexy Ninja Turtle, Sexy Female Jack Sparrow or Sexy Big Bird (yes, all of those are for sale) running through the neighborhood. It’s time to take a stand, people. The ultimate kids holiday needs to go back to the kids.

Halloween needs saving, and you can help starting this year. Here’s how:

Wear something scary

The world does not need another foam-fingered Miley Cyrus (too last year) or Dead Robin Williams (too soon). In fact, what’s with the whole dressing-likea-celebrity-and-calling-it-a-costume thing, anyway? Halloween is supposed to be about the supernatural. Save Slutty Cheerleader and White Trash Dude for a theme party next summer. And don’t even think about wearing a pair of glasses and saying you’re Clark Kent — lame.

Inspired by the runaway success of “The Walking Dead,” television is in the midst of a horror trend. If you’re looking to do something timely and Halloween-y, go as Moloch or the Headless Horseman from “Sleepy Hollow.” (If you want to be REALLY scary, go as naked Benjamin

Franklin from the same show.) “American Horror Story” has four good years of material to pull from (the current season, “Freak Show,” is filled with good ideas). And big-screen-to-small-screen hits “Hannibal” and “Bates Motel” have some good gross-out possibilities.

If you’re just not that into the dressup thing, go as the Deetz family and their dinner guests from “Beetlejuice.” People may not know who you are until you strategically gather around a table at some point in the night and do an impromptu rendition of “Day-O (The Banana Boat Song).” It’ll kill.

Lay off the candy

Your metabolism is probably nowhere near what it used to be, and you won’t notice the results of the sugar overload for weeks. (Save the binging for Thanks giving… it’s right around the corner.) Instead, have fun with some healthy food. Put edible candy eyes on a tray of peeland-eat-shrimp and pretend like they’re screaming as you eat them alive. Carve a Mr. Bill face into an apple and pretend like he’s screaming as you eat him alive. You get the point —pretend you’re a soulless monster and eat things alive. ‘Tis the season!

House rules

Rather than go out to the bar or even throw an adults-only Halloween party, what about transforming your front yard into a haunted attraction? You’ll be totally getting into the spirit of the holiday, you’ll be able to flex your skills as a handyman and you’ll be the talk of the neighborhood for the next year.

Some possible ideas:

— Zombie Graveyard: Dig a shallow trench in your front yard and put a fake tombstone at the head of each it. Lay a black light beside it. Apply some latex zombie embellishments (slit throat, dangling eyeball, etc.) and smear your face with glow-in-the-dark makeup. Then lie in the trench and cover yourself with leaves. It helps if you have a fog machine rolling across the yard. Then get a friend to dress in overalls and pretend to be a gravedigger. When enough curious kids gather, have your gravedigger give you a code word to cue you to burst from the ground. Shamble toward the kids, moan loadly and watch them scatter. Bonus: Have your gravedigger wear some fake brains under his hat and you pretend to eat them.

— Cannibal Butcher Shop. You can find an old non-working glass cooler online or at a restaurant clearance sale. Go to a local butcher shop and get some calf brains, intestines and identifiable pig parts and load that cooler up. Stick signs in each one — Johnny. Mary. Tommy. Then find an old table, cut a hole in it and have an actor dangle a leg through it. Find a cow shank and line it up with your actor’s knee and pretend to hack it off with a meat cleaver. Make sure your actor screams like crazy for the full effect. Bonus: Find someone to play a witch tend ing to a human stew inside a big pot. As you hack off pieces of your victim, take them to her for cooking. Yum!

— Creature From Behind the House. There are a lot of moving parts with this one, so pay attention. One person lies on the sidewalk in front of your house with fake intestines spilling on the ground. You play a concerned friend/parent who’s trying to figure out what happened. As the kids begin to gather around the person on the ground, tell them about a big hairy creature that came from behind the house and attacked. Use a flashlight to shine on the ground so the kids become distracted by the horror. Then, as you describe the creature, have an actor friend in a gorilla costume sneak up behind you and stand quietly. When you turn your flashlight to show the kids where it came from, you’ll be illuminating an image of horror that will be seared into their little brains forever. You can even make a game of this one — see how many dropped bags of candy you can collect by the end of the night.

As you can see, giving Halloween back to the kids isn’t just the right to do, it can actually increase your enjoyment of the holiday. And you’ll be inspiring a whole new generation to return Halloween to its creepy, kooky roots — sort of like a slay-it-forward.

And seriously — no celebrity costumes.

Alternative Halloween Movies

“Halloween” and “Night of the Living Dead” are no-brainers, but if you’re looking to make your party a multi-media experience, consider ending the evening with one of these:

“Shaun of the Dead” Criminally, not everyone has partaken in the Cornetto Trilogy. Start ‘em off with this, the founder of the feast. No one’s going to get all the gags in one viewing, so be prepared for requests to borrow your copy. Do not fall into this trap — you’ll never get it back.

“Gremlins” “Ghostbusters” got all the love this year for its 30th anniversary, but this one’s always flown under the horror radar. Fun fact: The producers considered putting masks and prosthetic limbs on Capuchin monkeys to bring the gremlins to life. Just think of all the nightmare fodder we missed with that one.

“Army of Darkness” Skip the 2013 remake of “Evil Dead” — go for the best of the original Sam Raimi trilogy with this horror/comedy mash-up. Chances are you’ll probably end up with at least one chainsaw-handed Ash at your party. Go ahead and let him say, “groovy, baby” along with the movie as much as he likes. It’s his day.

“Zombieland” The name says it all. Woody Harrelson, Emma Stone and the dude from “The Social Network” go on a cross-country trip through living dead territory. Twinkies are consumed. Bill Murray doesn’t make it. Oops, spoiler alert.

“Dr. Horrible’s Sing-a-Long Blog” Before Neil Patrick Harris was “NPH,” he was just a struggling actor on hiatus from his hit TV show because of a writers strike. He worked with a pre- “Avengers” Joss Whedon to create this cult classic, which will one day be as popular as “Rocky Horror Picture Show.” Bet.

“Wizard People, Dear Reader” For this one, you’ll actually have to do a little prep work. Comedian Brad Neely recorded an alternative audio track for “Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone” that can be downloaded (archive.org). Then just switch the audio on your TV and play this along with the adventures of Ron the Bear, Hagar the Horrible and Roast Beefy O’Weafy.

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