How many bullets would kill me?

Crystal Gause is a 20-year-old Lansing resident and former Michigan State University student. She participated in the nationwide protest in Ferguson in October.

It’s been a few hours since St. Louis County Prosecutor Bob McCulloch announced that Ferguson Police Officer

Darren Wilson would not be indicted for shooting and killing Michael Brown this summer.

I’m not positive if I will ever lose the numbness that has swept over my body and mind. Right before the press conference in Ferguson to announce the verdict started Monday night, I called my best friend in Ann Arbor so I could listen to someone else breathe in case I forgot how to. I’m still inhaling and exhaling but not without shaking.

At 5’8, 170 pounds, I am a large woman. I make sure to tuck my jacket as close to my body as possible in order to appear slighter. On dark nights, bundled up in my winter warmest, I think how I must appear to tiny white women who give me wide berth.

I am only a fraction of the size that Brown was. If it took six bullets to kill Brown, would it only take three to kill me?

I’m thinking about those three bullets. If they gunned me down, I would lose all credibility I have as a respectable human, daughter, friend, sister or activist. And in the right light on the wrong night, I could be a “thug.”

My sense of humor, love of music and friendly smile would all be erased to highlight my history of mental illness. My struggles with manic depression could be used to justify my death.

I’m thinking about those three bullets.

There is a pain in this country, uniquely shared by children of the African diaspora. It is a snug dark rope, wrapped around our necks as our toes barely touch the “American dream” beneath our feet. Though we built it, we cannot claim it as a home.

I’m thinking about those three bullets. I have spent a lifetime unlearning certain truths I thought to be given. The death of Timothy Thomas in 2001, the catalyst for the Cincinnati Race Riots, was an introductory course in police brutality. The death of Trayvon Martin was a refresher in how the American justice system was not framed with the idea that all people should be treated equally.

With the death of Michael Brown and subsequent civil rights movement, I have earned my master´s on how it’s possible for a nation to not listen to the cries of it’s people.

I am heartbroken and I am terrified. The Michigan State University NAACP plans a march in silence 4 p.m Dec. 3 from Conrad Hall to Wilson Hall. To find protests planned around the country go the Ferguson National Response Network at fergusonresponse.tumblr.com