Feb. 10 2016 11:41 AM

Helping you find the ideal presidential relationship

The 2016 presidential primary season kicked off in earnest last week with the Iowa Caucuses, the first opportunity for American citizens to cast votes this election cycle. The Michigan primary lands on March 8, and before you know it, November will be here and we’ll be selecting America’s next president.

So what does that have to do with Valentine’s Day?

A presidential term lasts four years. That’s a long-term relationship. The average length of an American marriage is eight years. That means that if you were married before Jan. 20, 2009, there’s a good chance the Barack Obama presidency has outlasted your marriage. Choosing a president is a commitment.

So in that spirit, City Pulse created a series of Tinder-style online dating profiles to help you find the candidate of your dreams — or at least one that you can tolerate for the next four to eight years.



Donald Trump 69, New York

Can I level with you? I never really wanted to run for president. I just wanted to drum up some free publicity with a silly stunt. For my campaign announcement, I made a ridiculous escalator entrance. I called Mexican immigrants rapists, criminals and drug dealers. Then I explained how I would build a wall along the border — and make Mexico pay for it! The audacity!

But you dummies loved it. You couldn’t get enough Trump. I made fun of John McCain for being a prisoner of war. Lunacy! I accused Megyn Kelly of being mean to me because she was PMS-ing. Absurd! I proposed barring all Muslims from the country. Insanity! I even botched the name of a book of the Bible — at a Christian university! “Two Corinthians?” Hilarious!

And yet, my poll numbers keep rising. Nothing I can do can stop people from liking me. It’s an out-of-control train and I can’t stop it. I, like you, am reluctantly coming to terms with the fact that I am a serious contender for the Republican nomination.

So let’s keep doing this dance. I’ll keep saying unbelievable things, and you keep pretending to be shocked by it. In the meantime, maybe one of these other losers will cobble together enough support to take control of the race. If not, God help us all.




Hillary Clinton 68, New York

What up y’all? It’s your girl Hillz!* Anyways, you should totes vote Hillary because she’s down with women’s rights and stuff. And she was secretary of state. I mean, it sucks that women always have to be secretaries and stuff, but that’s why she’s running for president, amirite?

Plus, her bae is super chill. A real silver fox, right?

Whoops! Just talked to the campaign manager. Forget that silver fox stuff. Bad memories or something. Something about Monica from “Friends” or something? I don’t know. I zoned out. (I was thinking about brunch. There’s this new place downtown that’s way delish, but they don’t have any vegan options, and my BFF Teagan can be such a b-hole about that.)

So, vote Hillary because she kicks ass. HMU on my cell phone if you want to chat. NO EMAILS!

* The Hillary Clinton campaign is legally required to tell you this is not actually Hillary, but a 17-year-old intern we hired to seem hip. A “hip specialist,” if you will. But not like the hip specialist Bernie needs to see! Hey-o! (Please don’t look at Hillary’s age.)

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