Isn't it woe-mantic?

Thinking about seeing "Remember Me"? Forget it

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“Remember Me” is a tearjerker that won’t make you cry. Itwill, however, make you groan and squirm and possibly snore as it painstakinglydetails the lackluster love story of a bitter rich-kid-turned-rebel and a sunnysocial-worker-to-be brought together by police brutality. That may sound a bitpeculiar but, as Al Jolson once said, you ain’t heard nothin’ yet.

“Remember” is the kind of pet project that gets the go-aheadwhen its star becomes a surprise sensation (and, in this case, an executiveproducer) with some new-found box office clout. In this case, that would beRobert Pattinson, who became a household name and an international idol as thedark-eyed, ivory-skinned Edward Cullen, the heroic vampire condemned to aneternity of teen angst in the “Twilight” films.

Pattinson is sharp enough to realize the sands are alreadyrunning on the “Twilight” series — the third installment, “Eclipse,” opens June30, and “Breaking Dawn,” based on the final book in Stephenie Meyer’squadrilogy, goes before the cameras this fall — and, if he wants to extend hiscinematic shelf life he knows he’s got to act fast. Apparently, he also thinkshe’s got to act like a misconceived mash-up of James Dean, Marlon Brando,Robert DeNiro and Al Pacino, which is exactly what he attempts to do, with onlyspotty success, throughout “Remember.”

In the sizzling summer of 2001, Pattinson’s disaffected butdashing Tyler Hawkins has a temper that’s hotter than the New York sidewalks onwhich he mopes. But who wouldn’t be grimacing day in and day out if you werethe son of an ultra-wealthy Irish lawyer (Pierce Brosnan) and a lovely Swedishmom (Lena Olin) who looks vaguely miserable even in her happiest moments? Alittle James Joyce and a little Ingmar Bergman makes for a whole lotta trouble.

Tyler parties joylessly with Aidan (Tate Ellington), hischatterbox of a roommate, and a revolving chorus of anonymous babes until astreet brawl brings him into close physical contact with Sgt. Neil Craig (ChrisCooper). For reasons that make sense only to screenwriter Will Fetters, testyTyler takes on the sergeant and receives an artfully roughed-up face for histrouble.

Hey, Aidan notes, that mean ol’ cop has a hot young daughternamed Ally (Emilie de Ravin, best known as Claire from “Lost”). What if Tylerseduced and abandoned Ally? Aidan bets Tyler can’t pull it off; Tyler acceptsthe challenge.

Payback is a bitch — and bitch, thy name is Tyler Hawkins.

So “Remember” becomes one more of those “love on a dare”stories, as Tyler woos the oblivious Ally and discovers she’s a bit of anon-conformist, too: She insists on eating her mango ice cream before herdinner of lamb vindaloo because “I just don’t see the point in waiting.” Afterall, she notes, you never know when an asteroid could drop from the heavens andabruptly end everything, and after about 40 minutes of this movie, you may bepraying for some sort of harsh astronomical intervention.

Past tragedies hang over Tyler and Ally like the Sword ofDamocles. She witnessed her mom’s murder in a subway station; he lost his olderbrother to suicide. He disapproves of the way his dad ignores his ex-wife and6-year-old daughter; she bristles at her father’s over-protectiveness. Hesmokes too much; she can’t handle her Jello shots. They must be made for each other.

“Remember” falls into the same trap as the second “Twilight”film, “New Moon,” believing that excessive brooding and surly skulking areendlessly fascinating to watch. But striking the same tortured note again andagain does not create a solemn symphony. The movie lumbers along at anear-funereal pace on its way to the inevitable “I never meant to hurt you”confrontation/revelation, giving you plenty of time to ponder such weightyquestions as whether Pattinson will ever play a character who’s not dating acop’s daughter.

Then, in its final 10 minutes, “Remember” makes the leapfrom mere monotony to jaw-dropping ghastliness in a finale so staggeringlystupid it’s almost impossible not to laugh. “Twilight” flips over into “TheTwilight Zone,” and the movie suddenly flies spectacularly off the rails,leaving you feeling simultaneously offended, bewildered and, perhaps, a littlebit astonished that the filmmakers actually thought they might be able to getaway with it.

Ultimately, “Remember Me” sells a sermon about theimportance of family unity and the message comes through, although perhaps notin the way Pattinson and company intended: As the lights came up, myalmost-15-year-old niece turned to me and said, “I don’t ever want to see thatmovie again” — and I couldn’t have agreed with her more.

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