This 'Clash' never gets Kraken

Stick with the original and give this pointless remake a myth — er, miss

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When it was released in 1981, “Clash of the Titans”represented a sort of last hurrah for the sword-and-sandal spectaculars of the“Jason and the Argonauts” and “The Seventh Voyage of Sinbad” variety. Thestop-motion animation creations of Ray Harryhausen were enchantinglyold-fashioned and the mythological mash-up of the plot (involving displeasedgods, curses, Medusa and Pegasus) wasn’t just old-school, it wasancient-academy.

The movie did respectable business, although it was quicklyeclipsed by two other films that opened around the same time: “Superman II” andsomething called “Raiders of the Lost Ark,” a different brand of retro-fantasy.But, thanks to home-video and regular showings on TV, “Clash” steadily grew inpopularity over the years, thus making it a prime target for remake-crazedHollywood.

The new “Clash” has monsters conjured up through the magicof digital technology, and the screenplay by Travis Beacham, Phil Hay and MattManfredi strips away much of the corniness of the first film. Sadly, much ofthe fun and a lot of the spirit also got lost along the way: Director LouisLeterrier dishes out the battle scenes and rolls out the creepy creatures, butthe gusto and fun of the original is conspicuous in its absence.

The story is more or less the same as before. Perseus, ababy rescued from the Grecian sea, grows up to be Sam Worthington: half-man,half-god and — to judge from his accent — 100 percent Australian (maybe theycould have amended the character name to Pertheus?). When the people of Argosdecide they don’t feel like worshipping Zeus, Poseidon, Hades and company anymore, their uppity antics infuriate Mt. Olympus’ most famous residents. Hades(Ralph Fiennes, speaking in an appropriately ominous stage whisper) crashes aroyal party at the court of Argos and demands the sacrifice of the PrincessAndromeda (Alexa Davalos) within 10 days; otherwise, he will start crackin’heads by unleashing the unstoppable leviathan known as the Kraken.

Perseus, who lost his adopted family to Hades’ wrath,decides to thwart the gods’ scheme by saving Andromeda and killing the Kraken.In the first movie, he was assisted in his mission by a mechanical owl namedBubo; in this version, his advisor is Io (Gemma Arterton), a brainy beauty whohas been cursed with eternal youth. While Io is certainly easier on the eyesthan Bubo, she has far less in the way of personality.

The same is true of the gods themselves. Instead of thepolitical intrigues and jealousies that surrounded the celestial council in theoriginal, we get Zeus (Liam Neeson) and Hades plotting to overturn the worldwhile the rest of the deities do little more than stand around and listen.Zeus, who’s Perseus’ not-so-secret dad, wishes Perseus would stop hangingaround with his sleazy mortal friends and move to the family estate on Mt.Olympus; Perseus petulantly refuses. And that’s about it as far as father-sontensions go.

The 1981 “Clash,” silly though it might have been, swept youup in a whirlwind of colorful adventure. The remake drags you along like atired tour guide at a national park, showing you all the major sights but notmaking the journey particularly exciting. When Laurence Olivier bellowed hisimmortal line, “Release the Kraken!” in the original, he seemed to savor everysyllable; when Neeson repeats the command here, it’s in the same tone of voicehe might use to say, “And I’ll have wheat toast with those hash browns.”Although the content is the same, the delivery is considerably duller.

Another bad decision: “Clash” was shot in 2D and quicklymodified to 3D to cash in on the current craze. Aside from a few mildlyimpressive effects — most of them involving an army of giant scorpions — theersatz 3D looks awful. In close-ups, Worthington’s head seems to be unnaturallyshaped, almost like a loaf of bread, and Arterton’s hair seems to be floating afew inches behind her. Even the Kraken attack, which should have been ashowstopper, has a distracting pop-up-book look to it.

Remakes rarely improve upon the originals, but sometimesthey can put a distinctive spin on a familiar story. “Clash” 2010 doesn’t evendo that much. Harryhausen and company didn’t have the budget or the technologyLeterrier and his legions have at their disposal, but they had a real sense ofshowmanship and enthusiasm, qualities money apparently can’t buy.

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