Advice Goddess

Spring, chicken!

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Q: A co-worker seems interested in me. This is flattering since he’s 48 and I’m 57. He’s asked me out on dates a few times — rather last minute, unfortunately, and I had conflicting plans. He also invited me to join his volleyball club that plays in the park during lunch breaks. The group is all men except for one 30-something woman, who banters a lot with this guy and is grudgingly nice, if not cool, to me. My intuition’s sending up caution flags! I don’t want to trample over a girl who has feelings for this man. I want nothing to do with causing pain for another woman! Should I just come out and tell this man what my intuition’s telling me? Ask him what’s up between him and the young woman? 

—Wary


A: Self-interest is at its most presentable when dressed up in a Florence Nightingale outfit. (You’re only worried about causing another woman pain, not whether your crow’s-feet are starting to look more like pterodactyl claws.)

The average guy is more likely to be attracted to “Barely Legal!” than “Almost Of Age To Retire To The Home.” This particular guy doesn’t seem to be average. Sure, he might have invited you to volleyball to be inclusive, but dates — which he’s asked you on — are very rarely a form of philanthropy. Chances are, the guy’s into you, and apparently not for a lack of options. This has to be irritating to the younger woman, who probably thought she’d have the “hot young thing” advantage. Okay, at 30-something, at least the “hot younger thing” advantage. What’s a girl in her position to say but “Shoo, grandma!”?

You should worry about causing pain for another woman if you’re about to break up her happy home, but you’re just breaking up the all-boy/one-girl ratio of the volleyball league and maybe getting the guy. If you’re like many women, you not only are uncomfortable with competing, you feel it’s mean to try to win — even if your tactic is just wearing a really good bra, not going after your rival with a medieval battle ax. Probably because women evolved to be the nurturers and cooperators of the species, they tend to feel guilty about going for what they want and resentful if another woman gets it. Although it’s nice to be compassionate, deferring to everyone else’s desires is no way to go through life. It’s good and right to act in your self-interest, assuming you aren’t poisoning the rivers or parboiling small children.

Puking your feelings all over this guy’s shoes won’t settle anything; it’s just an impulsive way to relieve pent-up anxiety. (If things weren’t awkward between you before, not to worry; they will be.) If you need stress relief, get a squeeze ball or one of those desktop sand gardens with a tiny wooden rake. Because things are always bigger and scarier in the abstract, if you’re afraid of being hurt, consider how, exactly, that would play out and whether you can deal. Getting emotionally trampled is painful, but not like being crushed by falling space debris. You go through some miserable-time, and then you lick your wounds and move on. If that’s too much for you, retire from relationships to the porch swing at The Home and train for the sort of competition that, at 57, you’ll be a shoo-in to win — the chair yoga/walker push/sponge bath triathlon.

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