Advice Goddess

Fraud prince & Vulture shock

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Q: When my boyfriend moved across the country toManhattan for two years, we pledged we’d be faithful. We talk and textdaily, and he tells me he loves me and that I’m the only person forhim. Well, my best girlfriend visited her brother, my boyfriend’sroommate, and returned with some real fun facts: Last year, myboyfriend became obsessed with some girl and got into an “openrelationship” with her — all year. He claimsonly she slept with others; he didn’t. Yeah, right. He also insists heonly slept with her once and didn’t tell me because he didn’t think Icould handle the truth. That’s ridiculous because he knows honesty iseverything to me. I now feel I have reason to leave him. Still, I’m 24,he’s my first boyfriend, and we’ve been together for four years, so I’mreluctant to end it. Please give me a silver lining to this dark cloudover my head!

—Last Straw

A: Sorry, but this cloud’s lining isn’t silver;it’s cheap polyester with one of those “remove under penalty of law”tags: WARNING! Boyfriend with scruples of spandex has relocated to theNorth American capital of hot women — “The City That Never Sleeps” (except when people roll over after sex instead of smoking a cigarette or having a cuddle). 

For some, a wake-up call is a gentle nudge or thedelicate tinkle of a fine watch; others need to be bludgeoned over thehead with an alarm clock. In case you’re wondering, you’re in the soundsleepers group. In our email exchange, you revealed that in addition toa number of friends warning you about your boyfriend, a completestranger who spotted you with him in a bar took you aside to hint thathe had zipper issues. In red flag terms, this is a call to startshopping for an Eiffel Tower-sized flagpole.

Although women typically stick with dirtbag boyfriendsout of a lack of self-respect, your problem seems to be an excess ofrespect for The Relationship. Okay, he’s your first boyfriend andyou’ve been together for four years. This is merely interpersonalcensus data, not reason to stick around to be lied to and cheated onfor another four years. To this day, your boyfriend shows you that hiswords are suspect anytime he says anything weightier than “pass theCheerios.” In fact, he may be in Manhattan, but the old joke about theHollywood agent applies: “Hello,” he lied. 

What you need isn’t a silver lining, but a diving pool oflouse shampoo. You also need to understand that boyfriends who areliars and cheaters go for girlfriends who put up with lying andcheating. If you want honesty, don’t swallow lies like they’ve beenbuttered, and don’t let wanting a man to be ethical get in the way oflooking to see whether he actually is. You might also take a morerealistic approach to human nature. The 20s are our prime rutting time.Send any twenty-something man off for two years, and unless he’s on asolo mission to Mars, you’d better ask him to supplement his daily “urthe only 1!” texts with a webcam so you can see the girl he isn’tsleeping with in the background, motioning him to get back into bed.


     Q:  Myboyfriend dumped me, and I’m besieged with inquiries about how I’mhandling it, both from friends and people who don’t care about me andjust want to pry. How do I field questions from the latter withoutgetting into a lot of discussion?

—Exhausted

    A: Withoutgossip, people would have to sit around talking about particle physics,the economic downturn, and what’s going on in Libya. Gnawing on yourlife is much more fun: “Yeah, they broke up, and she’s alone, and Icounted 62 empty pork rind bags and 73 beer bottles in her trash.”Recognize that you have no obligation to feed the info vultures, andplan in advance exactly how you won’t be answering their questions.However you decide to shut them down — with humor, vagueness, wild invention, or deflection (“Finehowareyou?!”) —keep responding that way until they get the message that it’s all themessage they’re gonna get. Preserving your emotional energy means youcan channel it where you need it most —into working your way through the “Seven Stages of Grief”: 1. Drunkdialing; 2. Watching “Law & Order” reruns; 3. Looking up elementaryschool boyfriends on Facebook; 4. And then not writing them; 5. Tearingpages from “Chicken Soup for the Soul” and lighting them on fire; 6.Putting on shadow puppet shows of brutal murders; 7. Making hangupcalls at 3 a.m. to nosy buggers who ask you prying questions about yourbreakup.

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