Advice Goddess

Q: I am 19 and have been dating a wonderful24-year-old guy for about a month. Some of his family members wish hewere still with the fiancee he broke up with six months ago and aren’ttoo happy about him seeing me. His 19-year-old half sister actuallycontacted me on Facebook, told me to “watch my back,” and made somemean assumptions about me. Next, his mother Facebooked me and said thatshe’s also sorry her son’s with me and that I should watch what I sayto her daughter. (I just told her daughter that it wasn’t cool to judgeme, because she doesn’t know me.) I told my boyfriend, who immediatelycalled them, told them I’m in his life, and said a lot of nice thingsabout me. I’d really love for his family to like me, but they don’teven want to meet me. How do I get them to? If they don’t like me afterthat, fine. 

—Unpopular

A: The wonderful thing about social networking ishow easy it’s become for people to get in touch with one other. Asyou’ve discovered, this is also the really awful thing about it. That’swhy my boyfriend, who’s not exactly a people person, claims he’sstarting a nihilistic social network called “Quitter.” (Posts are zerocharacters, and you’re asked not to join.)

Speaking of anti-social networking, that’s an interestingfamily your boyfriend’s got there. In many families, there’s some Voiceof Maturity who steps in when a squabble gets out of hand. In yourboyfriend’s family, they apparently leave that to the parrot: “Hello!Hello? CRAAAACKER!” Now, maybe his 19-year-old half sister wasplastered when she Facebooked you or typically seems one Ding Dongshort of a valu-pak, but probably the last thing you’d expect fromsomebody’s mother is for her to come in and bat cleanup in the psychofamily division. 

As hard as it is to feel misrepresented, misunderstood,and unheard, you’re unlikely to change that by clamoring for a part inhis family’s trashy reality show, “Don’t You Be Goin’ Near My Son!”Beyond that, prematurely going through the steps of an already-seriousrelationship, such as meeting somebody’s family, can lead you to decidesomebody’s right for you instead of looking to see whether he actuallyis. Consider why you feel compelled to try to win these two nastiesover. Perhaps, like many women, you have a mental photo album of yourlife upon meeting the man for you, perhaps with some sunkissedsnapshots of a Sunday family barbecue. Well, you may be in this guy’sfuture, and there may be family barbecues, but there’s a good chancehis mom and half sister will be picturing you on the spit.

If you two start getting serious, make sure you can bothhandle whatever relationship or lack of one you have with the WickedWitch of the Wherever and her buzzard daughter. Contact with them nowis sure to be very uncomfortable. But, who knows…you and his halfsister may end up sitting there on your wedding day, laughing at howshe came after you on Facebook — which shouldgive his mother just enough time to dump the laxatives into your drink.The music starts: “Here comes the bride…” and wow…there goes thebride…and at quite a clip!

Q: My last boyfriend lied and cheated so much thatI am wary of all guys now. My best friend keeps telling me that not allguys are like him and that I just have to put myself back out there. 

—Betrayed

A: You didn’t end up with a cheater because hefell down your chimney, pulled a gun on you, and said, “Ho-ho-ho, let’sdate!” You chose the guy and then neglected to un-choose the guy whenthere were indications of more than a few ho-ho-hos in his life. But,like many people exiting a bad relationship, the last thing you seeminterested in is taking responsibility for sticking with a partner whotreated you like a gymnast in the Humiliation Olympics. In other words,the answer isn’t just putting yourself back out there, but puttingyourself out there with what was missing the last time around: a littlediscernment. As I wrote recently, boyfriends who are liars and cheatersgo for girlfriends who put up with lying and cheating. And if you’relike a lot of women who’ve been romantically duped, you’ll say you wanta man who’s ethical if you’re asked, but you don’t make that an actualrequirement in men you date. Now would be an excellent time to start.It beats being wary of all men because your last man cheated on you,which is kind of like being wary of people in pants because the lastperson who mugged you was wearing pants (as opposed to a stylish summershift).