Advice Goddess

Flee circus & Between a walk and a hard place

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Q: I havea good relationship with my boyfriend of a year except for how heignores me when he’s stressed. The first time this happened, hedisappeared for a week and didn’t respond to texts or voicemails. Helater explained he’d been swamped with work and apologized repeatedly.Last weekend, he again disappeared for a week. After I texted and leftvoicemails, he finally texted, “Work is big right now.” He has told mehe likes me because I don’t complain or try to get his attention whenhe’s busy. Actually, I’m a wreck when he disappears. My ex would alsoignore me for weeks and then text like nothing had happened. Stupid mefor staying around for two years, as it ultimately ended when he textedme that he couldn’t talk to me anymore because he’d gotten married. 

—Scared Of History Repeating Itself


A: When aguy you’re dating ignores your texts and voicemails for weeks, youdon’t call him your boyfriend; you block his number so he can nevercall you again — and long before his excuses go from “I got a little busy” to “I got a little married.”

Men do seem to have more of a“fight-or-flight” response to stress, but the impulse to drop out isjust a tendency, not a biological mandate. If a man cares about you, hewill somehow manage to overcome his teensy-weensy feelings ofdiscomfort to stay in touch with you, even through tough times in hislife. Sure, now that messages are no longer delivered by the PonyExpress, letting you know that he still cares can sometimes take someeffort — perhaps eventapping his finger eight times on a tiny wireless gadget and hitting“send.” And yes, I did see your boyfriend’s excuse above: “Work is bigright now.” Right. Besides being your “boyfriend,” is he also known as“Barack Obama” and “The Leader of the Free World”?

History is repeating itself becauseyou’re repeating yourself. Like one of those robothings in “TheTerminator,” no matter what indignity a guy blasts you with, you dragwhat’s left of you upright and go back for more: “Hey, just call mewhen you have some free time —maybe between marriages.” You probably even take it as a complimentwhen your boyfriend admires how you’re all “I am victim, hear me rollover” when he ignores you. Beverly Engel, in her terrific book “TheNice Girl Syndrome,” cautions that the motive for being “nice” in theface of cruel treatment is often guilt, shame, fear of confrontation,fear of rejection, and an intense fear of being alone.

Being so compliant is pretty counterproductivebecause men are into the thrill of the chase, not the thrill of a womanwho’s on them like a tick on a dog no matter what they do. To betreated with respect, you need to be the disappearing one; disappearfrom the dating scene until you develop the self-respect to expressyour needs like you have a right to have them. You’ll be ready to datewhen you require only one person in your life to feel whole — and it isn’t some guy who does with your dignity what other people do with Quilted Northern.


Q: I’vehad a seven-year crush on an acquaintance despite how, whenever I seehim, he barely remembers he’s met me before. I’m now eight months intoa relationship with a wonderful man. While at a bar with him, I raninto my crush. He was all over me and emailed later to ask me on ahike. On one hand, it’s just a hike. On the other hand, I’m terrifiedto risk losing what I have.

—Conflicted


A: Sure he wants to go on a hike —a hike your skirt up over your head. It’s tempting to have your shot atthe one who got away. That one’s usually more sparkly and exciting thanthe one who holds your hair back after a few-too-many at a party landsyou on the roadside, giving what’s left of the grapes back to nature.The question is, who really wants to go on this hiking date, you oryour ego? You determine that by laying out the qualities you findessential in a man and seeing whether your boyfriend has them. Alsoconsider that a relationship takes more than finding somebody with ablast of bar charisma; it’s a “culture” two people create by beingtogether. If your relationship is really good, you’re gambling a lot.Much as you want to believe your crush has finally “seen” you, maybe hehas just seen that you’re taken and wants to engage in a littlepoaching — the kind where the thing you bag in the woods gets to ride back in the truck cab instead of roped to the hood. 

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