Advice Goddess

Slipping beauty & Adjusting the shudder

Posted

Q: I’m in a great relationship of seven months. My boyfriend and I never getsick of each other. We respect each other and are there for each other,and we talk very openly, even when we’re upset. His ex-girlfriend ispart of our group of friends. She is thin andvery pretty. I know I’m attractive, but I’m struggling to lose these 10pounds I put on in college. Also, she’s super-sweet, and she and myboyfriend broke up because he cheated on her.He told her right away and felt sick about it for a long time, so I’mnot worried that he’d cheat on me. Friends tell me how much he lovesme, and he even told me he’d feel “lost” without me. Still, I getnervous when they’re alone or talking a lot. Ihaven’t said anything about her being around so much, but I know othergirls wouldn’t stand for it. 

—Jealous

A: You’re the one who’s obsessed with getting in another woman’s pants — being able to wear his ex-girlfriend’s skinny jeans, and not just as arm-warmers.

I know, if he’sgoing to be chummy with his ex, couldn’t she please be one of thosewomen people charitably describe as “pretty once you get to know her”?Instead, it seems her 10-step get-gorgeous routine involves “1. Wakeup,” while you probably feel you have to put in a half-hourin the bathroom some mornings just to keep from scaring the dog. Andthen, some evening when you’re at your glowiest (after a brief struggleto squeeze your muffin-top into steel-belted control-top pantyhose),you need only stand next to her to feel yourself rapidly devolving fromarm candy to arm ballast.

It would be easier if she fit thestereotype of the gorgeous girl with the tiny lump of coal heart.Unfortunately, she’s sunshine with legs (sickeningly long, slim legs,with no hint of cankles). Making matters worse, they had anindiscretion-driven breakup, not an “I’m sick of you” breakup. Whatevercould be stopping him from scampering back to her? Well, it doesn’tsound like you’re exactly a barker, and although men prioritize looksin women, once you’re within the zone of what a guy findshot/cute/sexy, other stuff comes into play: Are you kind? Does he feelneeded, appreciated, understood? Do you click as a couple —naked and clothed? And okay, you aren’t on the short list to be anAbercrombie model, but is every day more fun because you’re in it? 

Don’t let on how jealous you feel (itsends a message that you’re not all that), and don’t try to control aman by telling him what to do (it leads to resentment, secretiveness,and rebellion). You tell a man what to do bymaking him happy and by being happy with him. Your relationship mayeventually end, but if you accept that, you can enjoy the hell out ofit while you have it. For peace of mind, starta conversation about what you appreciate about each other. Listen upand you might get your head around the notion that he’s with youbecause he’s “lost without you” — and not because he lost his directions to the skinny girl’s house.


Q: I’m an okay-looking guy, but I look terrible in photos. I am joining an online dating site and don’t know what to do about my picture. I can’t afford a photographer. 

—Unphotogenic 

A: Somepeople’s photos look best with some clever cropping. Apparently, yourslook best if you crop out your head. Part of your problem is that youprobably think of taking “a” picture (or three) instead of doing asprofessional photographers do —taking maybe 1,000. This basically means staging a photographicaccident, meaning in at least one of the 1,000 shots, you shouldaccidentally look like yourself or even better.

A novelist friend of mine, Sonya Sones,author of “The Hunchback of Neiman Marcus,” takes some fantastic photosof her various traumatized author friends. She says people look bestwhen the photographer shoots from a little above them and advisesagainst using a flash — ever —because “it makes people look ugly. Period.” She suggests shootingoutdoors, in the shade: “In the sun, people get hideous haunted-houseshadows under their eyes and noses, which is not a good look unless ithappens to be Halloween.” I’ll add that you should experiment initiallywith different angles to find your best and try some shots in whichyou’re doing something you enjoy — fishing or grilling or playing poker —so you’ll forget to freeze and look awkward. Put in a little effort andyou could soon be posting a picture that’s more NotBadLookingGuy123than Quasimodo456 (“You had me at ‘Hell no!’”).

Comments

No comments on this item Please log in to comment by clicking here




Connect with us