Advice Goddess

Q: I’vebeen with my boyfriend for three years. The first year was rocky. Hewas selling drugs, got addicted, and went to prison. Three months aftergetting out, he relapsed. I persuaded his mother to send him to rehab,and afterward I found us an apartment, where we’ve been for six months.He has remained drug-free, helps with cooking and cleaning, and payshalf the rent and bills. His job just got cut back to 16 hours a week.He has applied for a handful of positions but isn’t consistentlylooking, and he spends lots of time fishing. Meanwhile, I’m paying forgroceries, dinners out and any puny vacations, and I’ve bought him newclothes so he’ll look his confident best. When I say I’m exhaustedpulling this much weight, he uses his sobriety as a tool, saying, “Lookhow much better I am; I did this all for you.” My last relationship wasmuch more equal, and I ended it because I felt like I didn’t matter. Ido like feeling important to this person, and I do like the love,affection and kindness he shows me.

—Weary

A: Itmust have been hell for you in your previous relationship when stoppingyour boyfriend’s self-destructive behavior only involved putting outmessages like “Just say no to chicken-fried steak and the occasionalcigar.” 

Some women do volunteer work; some womendate it. You and your boyfriend are a classic combination, the drugaddict and the enabler. Addict behavior is immature brat behavior —throwing over tomorrow to get your rocks off (or snort some rock)today. These days, your boyfriend’s nose might not be powdered (“Crack:The other white meth!”), but he’s leaving you “gone fishing” notesinstead of going looking for “help wanted” signs. Then again, whyshould he man up when he can always count on you to mommy up? 

Welcome to “the well-intentioned path tohell,” as Dr. Barbara Oakley puts it. Oakley, author of the fascinatingbook “Cold-Blooded Kindness,” studies “pathological altruism,” helpthat actually ends up hurting —sometimes both the helper and the person she’s supposed to be helping.Oakley explains that your boyfriend may not be the only one in therelationship who’s been getting a buzz on: “Part of our sense ofaltruism — of wanting to care for others at cost to ourselves —is related to the positive feelings we get from our nucleus accumbensand related areas (the brain’s pleasure center)…the same areas that areactivated when we get high on drugs or gambling.”

You have a choice: Keep pressing yourpaw on the little lever for your do-gooder’s high, or accept the riskof seeking real love with the sort of man who can live without you butwould really rather not. Real love means having a crush on a man as ahuman — respecting andadmiring who he is, as opposed to pitying him for what he’s done tohimself. A man who really loves you wants the best for you; he doesn’tguilt-trip you (“I did this all for you!”) into ignoring your own needsso you can better meet his. Should you decide to stay with your helpobject, inform him that you’ll bail if he doesn’t start putting outmore than a clean urine sample. If he doesn’t come through, eitheraccept your fate as Mommy II or finally act on what you’ve spent threeyears pretending not to know — that a woman without an addict is like a fish without a Smart car.

Q: I’m awoman who’s been online dating for two years. I’ve noticed that peoplewho’ve been on the dating site as long as I have often put up differentpictures. By never changing my picture in two years, am I broadcastingthat I’m a loser? I feel changing it seems more loserish, as in, “Hey,anyone want me from a different angle?”

—Still Here

A: Do youalso suspect Banana Republic is going out of business every time theyupdate their store windows? Changing your picture is a way to say “Newand Improved!” — aclassic advertising gambit that seems to perk up sales despiteeverybody knowing it probably means “Toothpaste’s largely the same, butcheck out the butterfly and sparklies we added to the package!” Keep inmind that research has shown that men are drawn to flirty, smiley shotsof women, and common sense says to avoid cropping all your photos atthe shoulders, as this leaves a little too much mystery about whatshape the rest of you is in. Have fun while posing and you should seemlike you’re having fun putting yourself out there —as opposed to having fears that the next man at your side will be theutility worker who discovers you sitting mummified on your couch.