Advice Goddess

Q: Twoyears ago, my man left his 22-year marriage to be with me, but he toldme he loved his former wife and would always want a friendship withher. I accepted that (I’m friends with my ex), but I’m bothered by theamount of contact they have. They do have two adult children and ownproperty together. But, although she’s living with a new partner, shesometimes wants to borrow his car, have him pick up the dogs, or dropoff some paperwork. They phone about every other day, and not a weekgoes by without his stopping over —occasionally for a family dinner. I get plenty of his time, energy andaffection, and I know their relationship isn’t romantic. The issue issplit loyalty — allthe effort he’s putting into remaining “loving friends” with a womanwho’d love to see our relationship fail. Am I being petty and jealous?It feels like she’s clinging hard — and so is he.

—The One Who Stole Her Man

A: Once you get to a certain age,there’s no starting a relationship with a clean slate. You meetsomebody and it’s never “Hi, here I am, just me and this littlesuitcase!” — unlesshis entire family disappeared into a giant sinkhole or went back intime while on vacation and was caught in the volcanic eruption atPompeii.

There is much to be said for having amature attitude about one’s divorce. Friends of the divorced encourageit by emailing inspirational quotes like “When one door closes, anotherdoor opens.” Annoyingly, in this case, that quote continues “And thenthat first door opens back up and a woman leans out and asks what timeyour man’ll be coming over to take the dog to the vet.” 

Jealousy is the guard dog of humanrelationships, an evolutionary adaptation that helps us defendourselves against mate-swiping. As cognitive psychologist Dr. NandoPelusi and I discussed recently on my weekly radio show(blogtalkradio.com/amyalkon), jealousy is productive when there’s areal threat that your partner might fall for someone else and leave youfor them. Jealousy is counterproductive when you know  he’s going to leave you for someone else — but just for a few hours a week to drop off some paperwork and deworm the dog.  

Of course, to be human is to be smalland petty. (To be successfully small and petty is to not let it show.)Lashing out, snapping, “Excuse me, but wasn’t she supposed to get herhusband privileges revoked in the divorce?” will just make himdefensive. Instead, use your vulnerability in a powerful way. Evoke hissympathy by saying something like “Listen, I understand that you twohave kids and property and a friendship, but I’m feeling a littleinsecure about all the time and attention you’re devoting to her.”Chances are he’ll reassure you by explaining why you have nothing toworry about, and maybe even consider dialing it back a little. On thebright side, you’re with a guy who isn’t one to drop-kick hisobligations the moment some husband-stealing hussy comes along. Maybetry to laugh at how happy endings are sometimes the messiest and enoughto make you pine for a good old Jerry Springer-style breakup. At leastwhen one’s dumping the other’s clothes on the front lawn, pouringgasoline on them, and lighting them on fire, the logical human responseisn’t ringing the perpetrator up and asking to borrow their car.

Q: One of my coolest girlfriendsis in love with a total dud. He gets wasted at every party, talks infront of her about how hot other women are, and is generally prettydisrespectful of her. I keep wanting to yank him aside and ask himwhether he knows how lucky he is. Now I’m thinking I need to yank myfriend aside and tell her she can do better.

—Disgusted

A: It’s considered an act offriendship to tell a girlfriend that she’s got a piece of spinach stuckbetween her teeth. You’d think she’d be equally appreciative when youpoint out that she’s got a soulmate stuck in some other woman’scleavage. But, her ego is probably all tied up in her belief that she’sfound love, and she’d probably just get combative. Instead of tellingher she’s making a mistake, try to get her to come to that conclusionby borrowing from an addiction therapy technique called “motivationalinterviewing.” Get her to talk about what she wants (all the wonderfulqualities she’s seeking in a man), and then gently ask her how thatstacks up against what she has. By drawing the discrepancies out ofher, you’re leading her to do the math: She hasn’t so much fallen inlove as she’s slipped in a pile of something somebody should’ve pickedup with a plastic bag.