Advice Goddess

Q: My girlfriend’s best friend isher ex. They broke up six years ago (upon mutual agreement). She swearsshe’s much happier being his friend and says they both feel theyweren’t meant to be romantic partners. Well, she clearly adores thehell out of him, and he’s her go-to guy for her problems (family,career, and probably any issues with me). She respects my opinion, butsometimes I feel she only asks for it so I won’t feel second banana tohim. We’ve only been dating eight months, and I feel she believes whatshe says about their friendship, but part of me worries that she’sstill in love with him but not aware of it. During one of their longphone chats, if he said he wanted to be with her after all, I suspectI’d be dumped fast.

—Second Best

A: If this were a chick flick, you’d be the plot device —the guy the girl’s with just so she can figure out that she shouldmarry the other guy. (Start worrying if you roll over in bed and see acouple of prop men unplugging your lamp.)

Of course it’s hard for you to believethat a guy who once wanted her body now just wants her ear. Theirinsistence that they’re just friends does run contrary to the wisdom ofthe noted therapist Billy Crystal, who warned in his seminal work,“When Harry Met Sally,” that “men and women can’t be friends becausethe sex part always gets in the way.” Sure it does —mainly when they have yet to have sex with each other. But, these twohave been there, done each other (and done each other and then some).Chances are, the thrill of the chase really has given way to the thrillof getting on the phone so they can cluck like two excitable hens.

People commonly think love is only supposed to come in groups of two, like on the ark. But, this “two-topia” —the notion that one person will meet your every emotional, sexual, andcareer counseling need (while leading you in a killer ashtanga workout)— is actually animpossible ideal. The truth is, in addition to your romantic partner,you can have another deeply important person in your life — a friend-plus! — who you love more than a typical friend but who you don’t love naked (or don’t love naked anymore). 

And sure, if your girlfriend has a BFF,you’d prefer it to be somebody named Melanie, whose interests run thegamut from shoes to shoes. And yes, she could suddenly decide to “putthe ex back in sex.” But, six years post-breakup, it’s likely herattraction is more therapeutic —having a longtime friend to lean on who’s probably helped her dust allthe skeletons hanging in her closets (home, office, and beyond). Don’tget all wound up in trying to compete with him or meet her every need;you just need to meet enough of them and keep getting to know her.Throw yourself into your relationship instead of obsessing that it willend, and try to focus on the merits of their friendship. This guyenhances her life, and if her life is enhanced, she’s enhanced, and sois her life with you…even if that flies in the face of everythingyou’ve ever heard about how love is “supposed” to play out.(Shakespeare wrote “Romeo and Juliet,” not “Romeo, Juliet, and Bob.”)

Q: Two male friends who know I’mhappily married have made a pass at me recently. One’s kind of aplayer, so…whatever. The other I considered a very good friend (ofseven years), and I find myself remarkably angry with him. Some friend.I feel like posting a blog item, “I have never been unfaithful to myhusband and never will be.”

—Betrayed 

A: When one dog tries to humpanother, it generally isn’t because he finds the other dog ethicallysketchy. I get that you aren’t a chihuahua with computer privileges,but there’s a good chance the thought process for these guys wasdog-humpingly deep. I had you send me your photo, and you’re gorgeous.Men make passes at women who are blindingly attractive —and not necessarily because they devalue them as friends or thinkthey’ll be quick to toss their wedding ring on another man’s nighttable. Sometimes, impulse, dirty martinis, desperation, and seven yearsof a woman’s hotitude just come to a head. This isn’t to say you shouldexcuse what these guys did or continue being friends with them ifthat’s painful, but it may help to understand that the calculation heremay not have involved a comprehensive risk/benefit analysis…beyondyou’re beautiful and they’re drunk, and if they’re going to berelegated to meaningless anonymous sex, they’d like it to be with you.