Swipe the vote

Helping you find the ideal presidential relationship

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The 2016 presidential primary season kicked off in earnest last week with the Iowa Caucuses, the first opportunity for American citizens to cast votes this election cycle. The Michigan primary lands on March 8, and before you know it, November will be here and we’ll be selecting America’s next president.

So what does that have to do with Valentine’s Day?

A presidential term lasts four years. That’s a long-term relationship. The average length of an American marriage is eight years. That means that if you were married before Jan. 20, 2009, there’s a good chance the Barack Obama presidency has outlasted your marriage. Choosing a president is a commitment.

So in that spirit, City Pulse created a series of Tinder-style online dating profiles to help you find the candidate of your dreams — or at least one that you can tolerate for the next four to eight years.

Donald Trump 69, New York

Can I level with you? I never really wanted to run for president. I just wanted to drum up some free publicity with a silly stunt. For my campaign announcement, I made a ridiculous escalator entrance. I called Mexican immigrants rapists, criminals and drug dealers. Then I explained how I would build a wall along the border — and make Mexico pay for it! The audacity!

But you dummies loved it. You couldn’t get enough Trump. I made fun of John McCain for being a prisoner of war. Lunacy! I accused Megyn Kelly of being mean to me because she was PMS-ing. Absurd! I proposed barring all Muslims from the country. Insanity! I even botched the name of a book of the Bible — at a Christian university! “Two Corinthians?” Hilarious!

And yet, my poll numbers keep rising. Nothing I can do can stop people from liking me. It’s an out-of-control train and I can’t stop it. I, like you, am reluctantly coming to terms with the fact that I am a serious contender for the Republican nomination.

So let’s keep doing this dance. I’ll keep saying unbelievable things, and you keep pretending to be shocked by it. In the meantime, maybe one of these other losers will cobble together enough support to take control of the race. If not, God help us all.


Hillary Clinton 68, New York

What up y’all? It’s your girl Hillz!* Anyways, you should totes vote Hillary because she’s down with women’s rights and stuff. And she was secretary of state. I mean, it sucks that women always have to be secretaries and stuff, but that’s why she’s running for president, amirite?

Plus, her bae is super chill. A real silver fox, right?

Whoops! Just talked to the campaign manager. Forget that silver fox stuff. Bad memories or something. Something about Monica from “Friends” or something? I don’t know. I zoned out. (I was thinking about brunch. There’s this new place downtown that’s way delish, but they don’t have any vegan options, and my BFF Teagan can be such a b-hole about that.)

So, vote Hillary because she kicks ass. HMU on my cell phone if you want to chat. NO EMAILS!

* The Hillary Clinton campaign is legally required to tell you this is not actually Hillary, but a 17-year-old intern we hired to seem hip. A “hip specialist,” if you will. But not like the hip specialist Bernie needs to see! Hey-o! (Please don’t look at Hillary’s age.)

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Ben Carson 64, Florida

Hey voters. If you’re looking for a candidate who will deliver inflammatory rhetoric in gentle, hushed monotones, I’m certainly the candidate for you. As one of the nation’s top neurosurgeons, I have learned … . Oh, sorry. The sound of my own voice lulled me to sleep.

Anyways, I think we can all agree that we need a strong candidate who will kick the Tabouli out of Afghanistan and stand up to Hummus in the Middle East. Can you see how angry I am? My hands are shaking with fury. It really makes me … .

Sorry, dozed off again. Where am I?


Bernie Sanders 74, Vermont

ARE YOU READY TO START A POLITICAL REVOLUTION? WHAT? WHO’S YELLING? CAPS LOCK? I DON’T KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS. YOU DAMN KIDS WITH YOUR INSTAGRAMS DOT COM AND YOUR GOOGLE GOGGLES. WHEN I WAS A KID, TWEETING WAS SOMETHING BIRDS DID!

AND I’M SICK OF THE TOP 1 PERCENT GETTING ALL OF THE VALENTINES. THE GAP IN VALENTINES BETWEEN THE ATTRACTIVE KIDS AND THE UGGOS IS WIDER THAN AT ANY TIME SINCE 1920. TEACHERS, I STRONGLY URGE YOU TO COLLECT AND REDISTRIBUTE ALL CARDS AND CANDIES TO THOSE WHO ARE LESS FORTUNATE IN THE LOOKS DEPARTMENT.

THANK YOU, AND PLEASE CALL YOUR MOTHER. YOU NEVER CALL ANYMORE.

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Carly Fiorina 61, Virginia

As a former CEO of a major American company, I’m a real political outsider. What company? Hewlett-Packard. Yes, we did make your terrible office printer that always jams and needs new toner every two days. If it makes you feel any better, I almost ran that company into the ground, so … .

I may have gotten off on the wrong foot. Let’s pivot to my political resume. I advised John McCain’s unsuccessful 2008 presidential campaign and waged an unsuccessful Senate campaign in California in 2010. Hmm … this doesn’t seem like the right track either.

But business, right? You guys like business. I’m way into business. Swipe right for Carly and swipe right for business.


Chris Christie 53, New Jersey

If New Jersey was a person, it would be me. I’m big and loud and brash. Murmurs of cronyism and political retribution always seem to follow me around. And New Jersey loves it. I kill it in New Jersey.

Everywhere else? Not so much. I pulled in 2 percent of the vote in Iowa. Oof. Things don’t look much better in New Hampshire, either.

So the solution is obvious: I’m working with a team of engineers to blast New Jersey free from the East Coast seaboard and launch it into the ocean. King Christie will rule the island nation of New New Jersey with an iron fist.

So elect whoever you want as president. I couldn’t care less.

Sorry, I was daydreaming. Can we start over? Nah, screw it. Christie out.

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Ted Cruz 45, Canada Texas

Likes: Texas, America, Jesus, guns, bacon, America, cooking bacon with guns, the Constitution, the Bible, America

Dislikes: Obamacare, ISIS, hockey, the liberal media, Tim Horton’s, New York values, poutine


Michael Bloomberg 73, New York

I’m not looking to start a relationship right now, but I made this profile to test the waters. You know, just in case. A man’s got to keep his options open.

I think we can all agree that this race certainly needs another white East Coast billionaire. And who else in this field do you trust to stand up to Big Soda? Hypothetically. Like I said, just leaving the door open.

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John Kasich 63, Ohio

Oh, am I still in this thing? I just assumed that I had been eliminated at this point. This race is basically a reality TV show. I thought I’d been voted off the island or whatever.

I suppose I’ll just keep showing up for debates as long as they set out a podium for me. It’s better than spending time in Ohio.


Marco Rubio 44, Florida

In a Marco Rubio presidency, we’ll have all the nice things. We’ll fly first class, drive dope-ass cars and sip the finest champagne. That sounds expensive? Don’t worry. I’ve got that GOP platinum plus Visa and a very poor sense of campaign finance law.

Plus, I’m easily the most handsome guy in this race. What are my positions on the issues? Who cares? Have you seen these front-runners? Trump? Cruz? I’m just gonna sit back and let those two fight it out. And once they’ve torn each other to shreds, guess who swoops in with a couple of first-class tickets to handsome town? That’s right, Marco Rubio.

In summary: handsome, nice things, alarmingly poor financial understanding, looks pretty good relative to Trump/Cruz.

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Jeb! Bush 62, Florida

Hey everyone, it’s me, Jeb! I’m not really that excited, but my campaign manager says I have to use that exclamation point after my name. It’s supposed to rile up the voters. Between you and me, I’m not sure if it’s working. No one seems very excited about poor old Jeb! these days.

Have you seen my brother? Of the two of us, that guy gets to be president? Life ain’t fair sometimes, ya know? It’s a damn shame too. Presidentin’ seems like a lot of fun.

Where was I? Oh yeah. Swipe right for Jeb! (Again, not that excited. Vote for me. Or don’t. Whatever.)

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