Hack work

“My machete,” the cop growls, neither cracking a smile norregistering the slightest sign of arousal.

Don’t get him wrong — Machete Cortez, the title character of“Machete,” is definitely not asexual: Before his story is complete, he’ll bedat least two — and possibly two more — lovely women. But he never lets gettingsome play interfere with getting his job done.

What is his job? Dispensing plenty of rough justice toanyone who gets in his way. If you’re foolish enough to give him a hard time,Machete will waste no time in cutting you down to size, with a little help fromthat “long, hard thing.”

Nobody can say they didn’t have plenty of advance warningthat Machete was on his way. Director Robert Rodriguez introduced the character(played by 66-year-old veteran character actor Danny Trejo) in one of the faketrailers inserted in the middle of “Grindhouse,” the proudly pulpytwo-for-the-price-of-one opus he and Quentin Tarantino unleashed in 2007. As itturns out, the full-length “Machete” is superior to “Planet Terror,”Rodriguez’s primary “Grindhouse” contribution; perhaps if Rodriguez hadexpanded “Machete” three years ago, “Grindhouse” might have received a warmerreception from critics and audiences.

Co-directing with Ethan Maniquis, Rodriguez uses “Machete”as an opportunity to simultaneously salute and spoof ’70s exploitation cinema.The first 10 minutes of the film are presented in the same intentionally sloppystyle of “Grindhouse,” complete with a dirt-speckled picture, visible lintmoving around in the frame and even a few well-placed emulsion scratches forgood measure. Although the gimmickry is set aside once the plot roars intomotion, the heavy-duty mucho-macho tone is sustained until the end credits.

Trejo’s performance consists mostly of baring his teeth,straightening his back and slicing up whatever is in front of him. His skinlooks like sun-baked adobe, his face like 10 miles of rough road. He may not bea conventionally buffed-up action star, but he’s not likely to be easilyforgotten, either: Rare is the man who can engage in a bare-knuckle brawl whilestill managing to enjoy his soft-shell taco in between punches.

The screenplay of “Machete” combines outrageous stunts andhilariously overwrought dialogue with a bit of stinging satire as Machete facesoff against tough-talking, illegal immigrant-hating Texas senator JohnMcLaughlin (Robert DeNiro, impressively channeling John McCain, George W. Bushand Glenn Beck), who campaigns for re-election on the platform of “no amnestyfor parasites” and hangs out with the despicable border patrolman Von (DonJohnson), who shoots down Mexicans while declaring, “you’ve burned your lastburrito!” and similar witticisms.

Like many politicos, McLaughlin is surrounded byhigh-powered hypocrites and morally bankrupt rich guys, such as Michael Booth(Jeff Fahey), whose comfortable lifestyle is paid for with drug money, some ofit probably contributed by his slutty, crystal-meth-addicted daughter, April(Lindsay Lohan, putting all her “charms” prominently on display). Booth is alsoin cahoots with Torrez (a puffy Steven Seagal), the Mexican crime kingpin who oncetried to bump off Machete.

Also taking sides in the struggle of Machete versus The Man:the absurdly attractive and determined Immigration and Customs Enforcement agent, Sartana(Jessica Alba), and a secretive sort named Luz (Michelle Rodriguez), whodoesn’t appreciate being hassled by the Feds. “I just make tacos and sell themto the workers of the world,” Luz snaps when Sartana tries to learn more abouther. “It fills their bellies with something besides hate.”

That line sums up "Machete" quite nicely: The Mexican characters are fiery and noble, while most of the Americans are sleazy (McLaughlin, Von and Booth), cheesy (Sartana) or easy (April). Rodriguez regularly gets his female stars to disrobe and many of the men wind up losing limbs instead of their clothes. Instead of camping it up, most of the actors play it reasonably straight, without commenting on the absurdities all around them, such as a meat thermometer being utilized as a lethal weapon, or an unfortunate thug's intestines being used as... well, see for yourself. While the subject matter may be timely and the violence ultra-gory, "Machete" is hardly more shocking than a Speedy Gonzalez cartoon -- and it's certainly a lot funnier.