Advice Goddess

Q: My wife of three years complains that I’m notromantic anymore. In the beginning, I did romantic stuff all the time.I still love her very much, but I guess I’m subconsciously reacting tothe fact that I’ve nabbed her forever. (There’s definitely something tobe said about “the thrill of the chase.”) How can I let her know Istill care?

— Comfortably Wed

A: Your wife could be a mix of Angelina Jolie,Madame Curie, and Sue Johanson (the cute little old lady sexpert fromTV), and the thrill of the chase would probably still give way to thethrill of pretending to listen to what she’s saying while you’rewatching the game. 

You can try to keep the romance alive with some therapist looking disapprovingly down her bifocals at the two of you —or with the gift of a 50-cent purple plastic chimp. The chimp, happily,will not ask you to “own your feelings” or repeat awkward “I”statements. Of course, the chimp could also be a toy pig, a chocolatedog, or some celebrity’s toenail clippings. I happen to have a thingfor chimps, so my boyfriend gives me chimp thingiedoos. The point is toextend yourself in ways that give your partner a little lift eventhough you no longer need to chase her (you just reach over in bed andgive her a gentle shake so she’ll stop snoring like an old wino).

Doing nice little things for each otherregularly is the romantic version of car maintenance to keep you fromending up broke-down in Scarytown. A 2010 study tracking 65 couples bypsych prof Sara B. Algoe found that a partner’s little thoughtfulactions led to feelings of gratitude in the recipient partner, whichled to both partners feeling more connected and happier with theirrelationship the following day. Algoe and her colleagues speculatedthat “moments of gratitude can act like ‘booster shots’ for the ongoingrelationship.” Previous research by Dr. Sonja Lyubomirsky (detailed in“The How of Happiness”) suggests that two of the most effective ways toincrease a person’s overall happiness are feeling grateful and doingthoughtful things for others, so yes…the key to both a happier marriageand a happier life could be the occasional checkout line impulse item.

The husband you don’t want to be is theneglectful one with the miserable, angry wife he tries to placate withoccasional seismic gifting —waiting until their anniversary and going bankrupt buying a diamondtennis bracelet or hiring the Three Wise Men to drop by her office withgifts of frankincense and myrrh. His wife knows very well what hisgifts are: remedial romancing —a peace offering instead of a love offering. The wiser approach isreplacing the thrill of the chase with the thrill of making your wifehappy by being regularly attentive: Hug her and tell her she’sbeautiful. Change her windshield wipers without being asked (you careabout her safety!). Slip out of work to get her a cupcake (at 3 p.m. ona Thursday, her happiness was important to you). Every now and then,mix the little things up with all that stuff guys do early on —stuff like sending flowers after sex, not sneaking out after your wifefalls asleep and then avoiding your favorite bar for two weeks so youwon’t run into her.

Q: I’ve been dating a reallysweet guy for a month and a half. Three weeks in, I knew I had to endit, but he really likes me and somehow talked me into staying. Lastnight, I realized I absolutely must end it…immediately! How do I dothis gently and make it stick?

—Dreading The Day

A: “If you love something, set itfree” is, I guess, helpful advice for those whose first thought is “Ifyou love something, lure it into your house and lock it in yourbasement.” But, what you and a whole lot of people need to hear is “Ifyou pity something, set it free.” When you aren’t into a guy who’s intoyou, the kindest thing you can do is snuff out all hope. Cut him looseas soon as possible and as definitively as possible. Be starkly honestthat it’s over but vague and maybe even dishonest about why (forexample, you just don’t have “chemistry”). Giving specifics is usuallymean and gives your dumpee wiggle room: “I’ll take sex lessons! Andcomedy lessons! I’ll even start reading books.” By letting it get tothis point, you’re prone to lash out with a suggestion of exactly thesort of book he needs to read: “How To Get a New Head, Body, andPersonality, and To Think, Smell, and Talk Like a Totally DifferentPerson: A Love Story.”