Advice Goddess

Prince Harming & semicolon cleansing

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Q: I feel like a disappointment to my boyfriend ofseven months. I’m 28; he’s 35 and Mr. Smart. He is a Brit and was a topstudent at Cambridge. He says everyone expected him to become PrimeMinister, but he decided to buck their expectations and become aportrait painter. Although he earns a good living, I believe heconsiders himself a failure compared with the wealthy Britscommissioning his paintings. He says I’d be “more attractive” to him ifI wrote for a media blog, as it would help his filmmaking careeraspirations. Well, I quit my unsatisfying graphic design job, and I amhalfway through getting my master’s in psychology and have no time ordesire to blog. He’ll tell me I’m talented/beautiful/smart but add adig like “It’s surprising you aren’t more accomplished by now” and saystuff like “You’re not very attractive when you’re anxious.” When Itell him this is hurtful, he apologizes and says he just wants to helpme better myself. I want to be the strong, confident woman he says ismost attractive. I felt that way when we were first dating, but perhapsmy insecurity took over. How do I toughen up and develop a thicker skin?

—Eroded

A: Love is patient, love is kind, love issurprised you aren’t more accomplished and thinks you’re kinda uggowhen you’re anxious. And okay, love isn’t Prime Minister, just somehired brush, but maybe love could paint a couple extra chins on TheDuke of Oldemoneyham or Lady Footlocker instead of taking all thatbitterness and self-loathing out on you. 

Apparently, the next best thing to running a country isfinding a girlfriend, appointing yourself her sadistic guidancecounselor, and running her spirit down till she feels like a chalkoutline of the woman she used to be. (All the better to prime her tofurther your career at the expense of her own.) This isn’t love; it’sinsidious emotional abuse — a man doing everything to undermine his girlfriend’s confidence, only to turn around and remind her that confidence is sexy. 

A younger woman who’s unsure of herself who pairs up withan older, accomplished man is most prone to get into this sickcompliment-dig-apology loop you’re in. You idealized this guy and therelationship to the point where you’ve become desperate for hisapproval so you can crawl back up from where he’s put you down. If youhad a stronger self and a realistic view of him, you’d see his putdownsfor what they are — stealth abuse passed off as loving criticism: “Here, let me help you out of a little more of your self-worth.” 

Instead of wondering how you might grow body armor, askyourself those basic questions so many in relationships forget to keepasking: Does this person make me happy? Is my life better because I’mwith him? You can go back to being that strong, confident woman youonce were — once you no longer have anemotional predator for a boyfriend. After you ditch him, take some timeto ponder my favorite definition of love, by sci-fi writer RobertHeinlein: “Love is the condition in which the happiness of anotherperson is essential to your own.” A guy who loves you Heinlein-stylewill “help you better yourself,” but by cheering you on for having theguts to change careers and by telling you you’re beautiful and sexy — without following up by whispering a bunch of sweet “you’re nothings” in your ear.

Q: How important is it that personal style andsensibilities match in a relationship? I’m 24 and having troubleagreeing to a first date with a man if he texts or emails me anemoticon. I majored in literature, love language, and see the emoticonas the epitome of intellectual laziness and bad expression of self. 

— :(  


A: O Romeo, Romeo…eeuw, Romeo…you’re wearing dad jeans and a T-shirt with a wolf on it, and not in an ironic way.” As a younger woman, you’re more likely to dump guys over little things, like style crimes. But after a few years of dating, and a few rounds with some SlickRicks, minor sensibility mismatches should pale in comparison withserial cheating and undeclared STDs. (You can steer a guy into coolershirts. It’s harder to get a guy to throw on some ethics.) That said,as a lit hound, you aren’t “shallow” in looking critically at a guy’semoticon use, just unwise in cutting him off before the first date because of it —assuming the rest of his email doesn’t reveal scorching illiteracy andpoor self-expression. Maybe this is his one area of intellectuallaziness. We all have some — for example, the intellectually lazy assumption that somebody’s intellectually lazy just because he sometimes “winks” with punctuation marks.

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